Ever feel like you are miserable because of things around you are tearing apart, feeling like you have no thing to bring anyone's smile, it's just you and your mind talking to each other like what insane people do. so this is how i'm feeling recently. in fact the less people around me, the worse i bring my mind to chaos. it's like i'm feeling everything. i used to put my enormous smile almost everytime in my old days and now i'm wondering what has just happened to me and who stole that smile away.
Somehow things went up differently in the few last days. i feel like my problems are the biggest and at the same time i lost my sight of the God who is way bigger than those. the time when i think that way is the time when i'm falling to the lowest ground.
Once, i was trying to go back to where i was standing. i was faced to the same problem which is huge with the same anxious feeling, but the time when i let myself to remember it quite more detail, i suddenly realize that i wasn't this miserable. after that without thinking of anything i questioned myself why.
honestly at first i realized if it's myself who created the monsters inside me. and second i used to be close to God but now i'm finding myself far. it's not that i'm fanatic but this is the truth. i realized if it's me who started the fire, i won't be this miserable if i kept holding on Him who is bigger than anything else. that time i made a decision to go back near to Him who created me. i've tried but then i failed, is still see things like the way it used to be and i ain't feel nothing different. maybe it's because i'm still doing my sin. to be honest, it is not as easy as writing or saying it. but in the end i said to myself that i will keep working on my relationship with God. it may not easy but with Him everything is possible.
now about the monsters who i created by myself, it's not that i'm building my own monster like you people see on cartoon ir movies. by this monster word i meant things that worry me. to be honest my scores are burnt on fire. in the morning when i remembered school and my scores it's like i'm better having myself go back to sleep and shatter them away. but on second taught it was not the right thing to do. running away from your problem is not a way of solving. you're just making it bigger and stronger. and now i've decided to face it and study a lot more harder since i don't want to fail in anything. not just about my school life, i have so much things that worry me like my familu, my friends. maybe from now on people who read this might call me an overthinker. i put too much things on my head and now i'm trying to delete it one by one so i might have less thing to carry on my head.
And now i wish that i'll get what i want and going back on track where i used to walk on as soon as possible and now i'm working on it.
Somehow writing on a blog is like talking to a friend who can listen everything even though they can't reply back because sometimes all you need is they who listen instead of advices.
So this is the end of my post. thanks for spending your precious time on reading my words. have yourself a good life :-)